2023 was a year full of challenges; a stormy season. I found things difficult; felt lonely, sad and stressed. But it wasn’t just that difficult things happened. I can see now that my response to my loneliness, sadness and stress created additional suffering for me and as a result my mental wellbeing deteriorated.
It has taken me a while to make sense of how this happened. I even doubted my belief that emotions are useful signals to pay attention to, which I have written about in previous blog posts[1]. Where had this belief come from? Had I read it somewhere or had I misinterpreted and got it wrong? I paid attention to my emotions and ended up feeling worse! Without understanding what went wrong, how would I be able to prevent another downward spiral?
These questions lurked, unanswered, at the back of my mind and so it was a relief to read the following in Paul Gilbert and Choden’s book Mindful Compassion.[2] “{Difficult} emotions are part of our experience and often they have important messages for us if we listen and pay attention to them. However, it’s also useful to recognise when we are caught up in emotions and ruminations that are not helpful, so we can learn to refocus our attention on just observing them as opposed to getting caught up in the storyline that they weave.”
Yes, that’s it; while I thought I was observing and listening to signals, I was actually caught up in storylines. I came to realise that these storylines were fuelled by me judging and resisting my unpleasant emotions. Even though I know attempting to problem-solve emotions is counter-productive, observing was overtaken by a need to fix. My desire to feel better highlighted the gap between how I was feeling and how I wanted to feel. When re-reading parts of Mark Williams and Danny Penman’s Mindfulness book[3], I realised that focussing on this gap is what made me feel worse.
While both these books helped me clarify the trap I had fallen into, I nevertheless started 2024 fearful that the downward spiral might happen again. It seems like a delicate balancing act to observe our own emotions, and decode the messages they bring, without getting caught up in stories. How can we spot when we are becoming entangled in an unhelpful storyline?
Reading Mindful Compassion reminded me of exercises I know and yet had not remembered to put into practice when I was suffering, such as the RAIN meditation. It helped me identify useful questions I had overlooked. Such as explicitly asking myself how I am responding to my experience: am I resisting, judging or attempting to problem-solve emotions? I also identified exercises that I believe will help me meet unpleasant emotions with greater self-compassion.
But what would help me remember my learning and avoid pitfalls in the future?
When working in public health, I became aware of the use of wellbeing action plans and of various templates available online[4]. However, I never felt it would be particularly useful for me to have a written plan. I am therefore grateful to one of my coaching clients who unwittingly inspired me to create a wellbeing plan for myself. Through our coaching, I recognised the benefit of capturing my learning in one place where I can easily refer to it and not forget it in the heat of the moment. It also inspired me to design headings that are meaningful for me. To help me, and people close to me, recognise how I am and signs that I may be struggling, I have documented what I am like when I am enjoying life, when I start flagging and when I am suffering or burning out. I identified what I can do when I am in each of these states to maintain or improve my mental wellbeing. These strategies include doing activities I find nourishing, using techniques to skilfully engage with unpleasant emotions and strategies for managing my wellbeing as a coach. I have also identified how others can help me.
Having pulled my plan together, I felt the weight of worry lift.
[1] Anxiety is not a problem to be solved and Sitting with uncertainty
[2] Gilbert, P and Choden (2015), Mindful Compassion. Robinson.
[3] Williams, M and Penman, D (2011), Mindfulness a practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world. Piatkus.
[4] The Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP) was originally developed by a group of people who had experienced serious mental illness, led by Mary Ellen Copeland. The plan provides a structure to help people identify and organise strategies that work for them in sustaining their wellness and recovery. The WRAP templates I have looked at are very long, include sections I personally do not need and don’t include all the sections I included in my wellbeing plan. However, one of the main principles behind a WRAP is that people choose to do them in a way that works for them and there are sections that I have adapted for my wellbeing plan. Example templates can be found here: North Staffordshire Combined Healthcare Wellness Recovery Action Plans (WRAP).
The WRAP has also been adapted to help people manage their mental wellbeing at work, whether or not they have experienced mental health challenges. For example, the mental health charity Mind have developed guides and templates, such as this one: mind-guide-for-employees-wellness-action-plans_final.pdf.
Blog image by Kev from Pixaby.
Seeing life's tapestry 