It is dark all around me. And yet I can see to bend down and pick up the seed. Holding it in my palm, I observe it’s shape and colour. Like a coffee bean; a dark brown oval, the colour of treacle, with a smooth edge and fissure running down it’s length. Small and lightweight. The facilitator invites us to examine our seeds closely but it’s too late! Mine has suddenly sprouted. A single stem shooting upwards. Several leaves appearing as it progresses; up, up and out through the roof above me.

Jack-and-the-beanstalk-style my seed has grown. But I do not have the energy to embrace this spirit of adventure, this rush to go out into the world. I want to be patient, grounded, relaxed and safe. I want to be. I am not, and do not need to be, motivated to “do” right now. A felt need to nurture my seed; a message to slow down. Not to strive and shoot ahead. Recuperating now will allow more solid roots to take hold when I am ready for my seed to germinate.

Three weeks later:

”Breathe out for a count of 4, hold for 4, breathe in for 4, hold for 4, and repeat”. An invitation to take part in a box breathing exercise. My instant reaction is one of rebellion. No; I don’t want to stick to the rigid counts. I particularly do not want to hold for 4 before breathing in. I share my experience during the debrief. The facilitator describes holding the breath before breathing in or out as “the pause”. I have resisted taking a pause, having a rest, keen to keep going. This felt like another useful reminder and yet at the time I did not fully grasp what was going on for me. Again, I took away that a pause was what I really needed. I did not fully process how much my subconscious mind was fighting this. Afterall, I do like to be in control of my own breathing. So not wanting to match my breathing rate to arbitrary lengths of time is pretty normal for me!

It was three days later that the penny finally dropped. During a conversation with my coaching supervisor, I was talking about how tired and lacking in energy I felt since being ill with Covid. I shared the insights I had gained from the exercises described above; that I needed a pause. My supervisor said that she thinks she sees a pause differently to me, that for her a pause is to rest in the present moment. I agreed: that is what a pause means to me too. She surprised me by reflecting back that what I had actually said was that a pause is about the future. That is not what I meant at all and I had not been aware that it was what I had said. My subconscious was at work again, wanting to be heard!

Becoming aware of my internal conflict, the fight between what I knew my body needed and what my subconscious brain was pushing for, was upsetting. Through our discussion, I realised that my subconscious drive was at least in part stemming from my desire to be purposeful. A desire that I have had since a teenager, so fairly deep-seated! We explored how I was facing a fair amount of uncertainty and change. Both in my personal life with my husband about to retire, as well having potential new paths to explore work-wise. It would be natural for this uncertainty to be feeding my drive to be purposeful; to gain some clarity.

I also know from previous experience how important it is to listen to my body and that I needed to take the time to rest. I was scared that my post-viral malaise would turn into chronic fatigue and was keen to stop this from happening again. Last time, it took over two years to fully recover!

My supervisor invited me to identify a sentence that would help to resolve this pull-push. I brought the two conflicting needs together in the statement “rest and recuperation are purposeful”. I then decided what tasks I would do during the coming weeks and what I would postpone until after my planned travels around Scotland. The discussion also strengthened my commitment to daily meditation. As my supervisor put it: to self-soothe the brain and tell it that we are fine. 😊

A weight had been lifted. I implemented my plan with the angst gone and felt like my energy levels were back to normal by the time we set off for Scotland. Although I was not fit enough to tackle any Munros. Maybe next time.

Blog image by Goran Horvat from Pixaby

• Managing mood and energy