Have you ever criticised yourself for overthinking?
For fixating on a past event; was your joke misinterpreted and did it cause offence? For overthinking what you are doing in the present; should you send this email and is it well worded? Or for overthinking the future; should you speak to colleagues before a meeting or just let the meeting happen and risk it not going as you would like? In essence, should you just stop thinking and move on?
How did we get to a society where thinking can very quickly be labelled “overthinking” and this is seen as a bad thing? And yet “underthinking” is not an everyday phrase with negative connotations.
Recently, several of my coaching clients judged themselves to be overthinking. I could empathise with them, having felt discomfort or frustration when I have thought I am overthinking. However, maybe this is the wrong term. For me, overthinking is not so much that I am thinking too much. But rather that my thought process gets tangled so I become stuck. Instead of identifying a clear way forward, my thinking hits dead ends. The sense of overthinking comes from repeatedly trying to find a way through when I meet these dead ends, but without success.
In “Mindfulness and Compassion”[1], the Happy Buddha distinguishes between intelligent planning and anxious thoughts about the future. Yes, the Happy Buddha is the author’s name! He recommends that we use thoughts like tools; when necessary and then let them go. To do this, we need to identify whether or not a thought is useful. Letting go of non-productive, anxious thoughts can prevent anxiety growing. However, if we are trying to make sound decisions about the future, our thinking may become stuck or tangled, but we are still attempting intelligent planning.
My stuck, “dead-end” thoughts reflect valid concerns. There is often an emotional element to the dilemma I am facing. Maybe a concern about how others will react or thinking I “should” do something with a lack of clarity about what I want. It is not helpful to dismiss these thoughts as overthinking.
This would be like escaping from cul-de-sacs by going back to the main road and getting on a passing bus. The bus might take me where I want to go. But I could find myself getting off at a bus stop (not a location of my choosing) and have to walk back to where I want to be. Or the bus could be going in completely the wrong direction!
On the other hand, by exploring the apparent cul-de-sacs, I might discover a path tucked away that will take me where I want to go. Or I may decide to return to the main road, but with a better understanding of the terrain, which could be useful for future journeys.
How then to explore these cul-de-sacs and find a clear way forward? Creating distance from my thoughts so I can look at them more objectively, without getting caught up in them, seems to be key.
Mindfulness practice is one way to create this distance. One aim of mindfulness meditation is to increase awareness of our moment-to-moment experience. We may choose a focus for our attention as we meditate (for example, our breathing, body posture or sounds). We then aim to notice thoughts as they pop into our heads but rather than getting caught up in them, we set our intention to return to our chosen focus. This noticing of thoughts and returning to our intended focus happens repeatedly during a meditation; mind wandering is what minds do. Through this practice, we can increase our awareness of the contents of our thoughts. We also become more aware of the part of us that can observe thoughts. Experiencing the distance between our inner observer and our thoughts creates opportunities. Opportunities to choose how to respond to a thought, to remember it is a thought, not a fact, and to decide whether it is useful.
Effective coaching conversations also help move thinking forward. Coaching can be particularly useful when we struggle to let go of particular thoughts, we would benefit from having the time and space to think things through, or we are unsure how to do things differently. Having someone listen and reflect back what we say, without offering their own opinion or perspective, enables us to look at our thinking and question it ourselves. Especially if the coach asks curious questions that raise our awareness of what we are worried about and what we want.
As a pertinent example, being coached enabled me to understand why I was “overthinking” when writing emails and how I could avoid this. I realised I got caught in looping internal debates when I was unclear what I needed, yet worried how others could react to an email. What now works for me is to separate out the stages of the process into first identifying what I want or need. Only when I am clear about this, do I focus on next steps, including how to communicate with others.
For occasions when we do not have a coach to talk to, exploratory writing can be beneficial. It is a technique I recently discovered and I look forward to reading more in “Exploratory Writing: Everyday magic for life and work” by Alison Jones[2]. My understanding so far is that it is writing for yourself, without intending for others to read it. The writing process itself reveals insights. I have done this by identifying a prompt, usually a question and then writing down thoughts as they pop into my head, without judging or filtering them. Externalising my thoughts in this way magically stops me looping round cul-de-sacs and can reveal a clear way forward.
Before coming across “exploratory writing” as a thing, it helped me resolve a dilemma. Several years ago, I had the opportunity to advertise my coaching in a Christmas catalogue that would be delivered to local residents. I was reluctant to do this, believing I would not get any enquiries as a result. I think people are unlikely to choose a coach based on an advert, particularly if that advert is in a catalogue focussed on Christmas shopping. However, I worried that I was being too negative, that saying no to opportunities was not wise. I was self-critical about my reluctance and thought other people would think I should do it. Inspired by Steve Chapman’s[3] “The art of creative resilience” talk, I wrote the question “Do I want to include an advert in the Christmas catalogue?”. I then drew a mind-map of words and pictures that expressed my thoughts and feelings; pictures of the advert, how I felt about it and how I wanted to feel. I wanted to “do stuff” and let go of attachment to outcomes. I drew how I thought people might react to the advert and what I could do in response, which led to the question “What do I want to say?”. I wanted to create content that was meaningful to me and valuable for others. I could create my own opportunities for doing this without necessarily following suggestions made by other people. This enabled me to answer my first question with a clear “no”; I did not want to include an advert in the catalogue.
My sense is that exploratory writing works because once thoughts are written down, I no longer need to revisit them in my head. The process enables me to follow thoughts to their logical conclusion (or to related thoughts that then reveal themselves). Writing thoughts and feelings down without judging them and seeing where they lead seems to release the stuckness, creating flow. It also provides something to look back on to show the logic of decision-making. There is a joy in resolving dilemmas in this way. While it is a simple technique, I have not questioned the decisions it has enabled me to make. I have been confident they reflect what matters to me.
Next time you feel you are overthinking; can you be kind to yourself as you decide how to respond? Do you want to let thoughts go or explore them? Maybe you need to clarify them before you can let them go.
What will you try to move you forwards; mindfulness meditation, coaching, exploratory writing, or something else?
[1] The Happy Buddha (2015), Mindfulness and Compassion – Embracing Life with Loving Kindness. Leaping Hare Press.
[2] Jones, A (2022), Exploratory Writing: Everyday magic for life and work. Practical Inspiration Publishing.
[3] Find a version of “The art of creative resilience” talk here: https://www.canscorpionssmoke.com/talks/
Blog image of Neurons by Gerd Altmann from Pixaby
Seeing life's tapestry 